The Mystery Business(TM) Era; Part 12: One Of The Worst 'Will-They-Won't-They' Plotlines Ever Depicted Resolves. Terribly.

And so, onto the next part of the Character Assassination of the Liberal Stooge Jan by the Hack Chris Muir. As I've noted previously, the idea that Jan and Damon had this incredible romantic chemistry is something Muir kept tossing out there throughout the Early Period. It wasn't true, but he very much thought it was, hence years of strips where he kept treating Damon's either belittling Jan or acting like a disgusting horndog towards her as some sort of romantic appeal. But with the start of the Late Period, he really stepped it up. Over a series of storylines, starting with the 'Damon quits because Pepsi said mean things about Bush!' one I mentioned in the last installment, Muir gradually hooked up the pair.

The definitive plot where it happened was one where Damon's house got seized and demolished by Florida for eminent domain purposes without any warning--Muir really hates eminent domain--Jan offered to let him stay with her, and, well, that was that. Just as Sam and Zed just sort of were a couple, all at once, Jan and Damon wound up one, and again, that was that.

It's astonishing, really, how little mileage Muir got out of something that he clearly imagined was providing a major plotline. No romantic false leads. No breakups followed by reconciliations. As usual, things just sort of happened, while keeping things almost completely within the tiny little cast he'd provided for the strip. Muir can't write romance for the same reason he can't write anything--there's something in him that just hates having bad things happen to his cast. Damon and Jan wound up another example of what is the typical DbD couple, devoid of any real conflict in their relationship, and with no real chemistry, despite their creator being convinced they possessed oodles of it.

What was worse was what a nasty, dysfunctional dynamic he gave to the pair. Prior to hooking up with Jan, Damon had either been dismissive of her, or had been making passes at her, and afterwards... well, he still was, only now when the second happened, Jan just sort of went along with it. And while she would still fight back against the first, it was generally less and less in the manner of someone who genuinely believed what she was saying and more as someone putting in a token effort. Jan's behavior over this and well, the early stages of the Transition Era, are what caused me to start referring to Muir's cast as 'the hivemind', to symbolize how not only are they all Muir using sock puppets, but for the way that main cast members who are initially shown having distinct opinions are usually warped into just another such puppet in something that feels like it slipped in from a Body Snatchers movie. But Jan's case, well, it's extra unpleasant. Because with her, it has the genuine feel of an abusive relationship, a significant other browbeating and gaslighting their partner until they wind up just echoing their opinions back to them.

In time, Jan's original personality would completely collapse, leaving her without any function in the strip save to show up and agree with Damon. But that would take a while. We would still get many years of watching her and Damon's relationship drag on in that very unpleasant manner I mentioned.

The Imaginary Black Guy Is Happy He Can Be Racist In Texas.

 It's the Day's Day of Days! Because The Miracle Rider.

There is something grim and joyless in how Muir tries to use shit like this to  make himself out the fun guy, when he actually comes across as the bitter, brittle racist whinging about he can't use slurs anymore and that sucks.

Another 'That Was Certainly A Choice' Moment.

It's the Day's Day of Days! Because The "Canary" Murder Case.

Muir's growing inability to draw Damon is made worse by his decision to try and age up his drawing.

Look at it. Just... look at it.

Putting More Power In The Hands Of Unaccountable, Unelected Billionaires! A Victory For The Volk!

 It's the Day's Day of Days! Because The Treasure of Abbot Thomas.

They destabilized their caucus and nearly caused a shutdown, only for nearly the same bill to pass minus some cancer research funding.

Muir thinks this is victory.

All Real Women Want Sexist Asshats!

 It's the Day's Day of Days! Because to the House.

You know the fact of how extraneous Damon and Jan feel to the strip these days tends to be balanced out by how awful they are. And not even an interesting awful like Zed, Sam and the hellspawn. Just a smug, dull awful most of the time.

The Crazy Thing Muir Believes Now, That He Might Not In Week Or Two!

 It's the Day's Day of Days! Because Sekai Ninja Sen Jiraiya.

It's kind of sad how this what Jan and Damon have been reduced to. Making the occasional bad joke over whatever paranoid online drivel Muir has become obsessed with at the moment, just to remind you they're in the strip.

Proud To Be Wrong And Evil On Everything.

 It's the Day's Day of Days! Because Chicago Transit Authority.

Muir's inability to understand that things aren't always zero-sum, and that the actions he's proposing would have incredible destabilizing effects on the world says so much.

As does the fact that even his opposition to aid to Israel is morally bankrupt.

The Same Strip As Yesterday.

 It's the Day's Day of Days! Because sixty second interval.

There is something so pathetic, on so many levels, when Muir goes on one of these witless, bigoted tangents and tosses out essentially the same strip for a few days.

For Truly, The Transgender Are Just Stupid And Inferior At Everything.

 It's the Day's Day of Days! Because do you think she's swimming in your lies?

...The smug bigotry mixed with the assumption that naturally one of them can't be a competent pilot is just contemptible.

Becoming A Bigoted Fascist Just Shows What A Real Progressive She Is!

 It's the Day's Day of Days! Because a distinct smell of Yorkshire pudding.

The tortured explanations of how being absorbed into the hivemind is the truest form of liberation have moved beyond ridiculous into creepy.

'You Not True True!' Burbled The Blobels.

 It's the Day's Day of Days! Because Clash City Rockers.

As Muir trots out the Yellow Peril nonsense about Mitch again, (and yes, this strip is so bad that it makes me defend Professional Awful Person Mitch McConnell) I find myself instead staring at the hideous monstrosities that Jan and Damon become in the second panel. The combination of Jan's Howler Monkey Face, and Damon's increasingly common lapse into what appears to be a gelatinous state makes it look like the pair are blobs trying to badly mimic the human form.

Which is pretty much the case, when you think of it.

The Sinister Pedoelite, Take 1698.

 It's the Day's Day of Days! Because Meyer lemons.

Muir's ability to feel self-righteous about this even as he makes his terrible pinups only gets worse as the years go on.

The Consistently Inconsistent Foe.

 It's the Day's Day of Days! Because the Equals.

This kind of underlines what an incoherent mess the strip's evil leftists are--they can go from being hypocritical elitists who only serve wealth to weak-minded idealists who eagerly serve minorities because they don't understand the importance of being racist.

Sometimes in the same strip.

The Important Thing Is Bigotry And Sexism Are Awesome.

 It's the Day's Day of Days! Because Throne of Blood.

...

About the only character traits Damon and Jan have left are loathsomeness. 

All Kinds Of Awful.

 It's the Day's Day of Days! Because lightning strikes not once, but twice.

A reminder that one of the major reasons Muir writes minority characters is so he can have them say shit like this.

I Await Damon And Jan's Move To Russia.

 It's the Day's Day of Days! Because Mistress of the Salmon Salt (Quicklime Girl).

At this point, it's sort of fascinating how Damon and Jan now only exist to provide bailouts to the compound and to give crazy anti-government rants with a slightly more polished air than Sam and Zed's Redneckistan versions. 

It's Okay, Because I Have An Imaginary Black Friend Who's Also Racist.

 It's the Day's Day of Days! Because Glenturret.

This strip gets racist about the oddest things these days. 

Ahh, The Terrifying Howler Monkey Woman Face Returns.

 It's the Day's Day of Days! Because black walnut bitters.

...

You know, this strip's sexism and bad blocking speak for themselves, so I'm going to mention that I'm starting to suspect we're being set up for another 'It was all a dream' caused by Muir writing himself into a corner, as has happened before.

But we'll see. Reality in this strip is such a strangely fluid thing, after all.

This Is Totally What's Happening!

 It's the Day's Day of Days! Because one more cup of coffee for the road.

It says something that Muir's ongoing dreams of civil war read just like the world he imagines in his strip, where the right holds all the advantages and beats the inferior left without breaking a sweat.

God, I Loathe These People. And They're Imaginary.

 It's the Day's Day of Days! Because I heard living is easy to do.

...

Remember, these two are married.